


The Peculiar Case of the Baudelaire Siblings

by CassandraStarflower



Series: Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Fictional Season | Part One: True Crime [2]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, POV Outsider, combination of book and show canon, episode two of the series is now out!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27742492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassandraStarflower/pseuds/CassandraStarflower
Summary: “This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we’re discussing a truly peculiar case, the Baudelaire siblings.”
Series: Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Fictional Season | Part One: True Crime [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016008
Comments: 21
Kudos: 117





	1. The Peculiar Case of the Baudelaire Siblings

**Author's Note:**

> So the idea popped into my head and I had to write it.   
> The area that ASOUE takes place in appears to be called the Land of Districts. I put it in Oregon for the sake of the story and did not name The City. so. Have fun watching the boys get confused by the entirety of the Land of Districts, where the number 1 crime is arson! I incorporated stuff from ASOUE (books and show), ATWQ (the first book), The Unauthorized Autobiography, and the wiki.   
> This got so fucking long.

The episode begins as normal. 

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we’re discussing a truly peculiar case, the case of the Baudelaire siblings.” Ryan began. 

“Huh, sounds familiar.” Shane said. “Wait, the kids who burned a couple places down?”

“Yeah. This is a bizarre and confusing case, with conflicting evidence, confusing testimonies, rumors of a secret organization, and a series of unfortunate events. Well, let’s get into it.” 

Ryan began his narration. 

“Let’s start with the central persons in this story: the Baudelaire siblings. There are three of them: Violet, the eldest, Klaus, the middle child and only boy, and Sunny, the youngest, a baby at the time this all went down.”

Pictures of the three siblings appear on the screen. 

“Violet Baudelaire was born on February 20th, 2003. Klaus Baudelaire was born almost two years later, on January 3rd, 2005. Sunny Baudelaire was born eleven years after Klaus, on June 4th, 2016.

“The three have been described as very intelligent- yes, including the baby-” 

_ how do you determine how smart a baby is _

_ i mean, they can’t talk _

_ yeah apparently she used weird nonsense words that both her siblings could understand _

_ i don’t know how they determined the baby was smart _

_ they just did _

“The Baudelaire family was described as being very wealthy, and they lived in a mansion in a city called, get this, The City.” 

_ wait _

_ is that _

_ is that literally what the city is called _

_ was someone just like _

_ “ah yes, a city. we shall call it the city, just so everyone knows what it is” _

_ (wheeze) _

_ “yes, the city, a… city” _

“The City was in a county called The Land of Districts, in Oregon.”

_ what the fuck is going on with that place _

_ just wait _

_ if you think this is weird, just wait _

_ oh, looking forward to it _

“The three Baudelaire siblings lived with their parents, Betrand and Beatrice Baudelaire. The family was Jewish, with Beatrice having been an opera singer. Betrand’s job is unknown. He had been adopted, and very little information on his adoptive or biological families is known. Interestingly, Betrand took his  _ wife’s _ surname of Baudelaire when they married.”

_ that’s unusual _

_ but very neat _

Pictures of Beatrice and Betrand appear on the screen. 

“On the 8th of September, 2017, the Baudelaire mansion burned down in a massive and intense fire. Betrand and Beatrice were inside at the time, but the three children were at nearby Briney Beach.” 

An animation of a burning building appears alongside the date. 

“For some reason, the person placed in charge of the newly orphaned Baudelaires was the banker in charge of their parents’ fortune, Arthur Poe.” 

A picture of Mr. Poe appears on the screen. 

_ wait, not cps? _

_ no _

_ i don’t get it either _

“The siblings were for some reason placed with their closest living relative… geographically speaking. A man named Count Olaf.” 

A picture of a scraggly man with one eyebrow appears on the screen. 

“Count Olaf was a struggling actor with a small theater troupe, who lived in a fairly decrepit house.” 

An image of the house appears on the screen.

“He took in the three children and had custody of them for about two weeks-” 

_ wait, only two weeks?  _

_ shh _

“He had custody of them for about two weeks before things went wrong. During this time, the Baudelaires attempted to contact Arthur Poe multiple times and at one point claimed that Count Olaf had hit Klaus in the face.” 

_ jesus _

_ i don’t like this story, ryan _

_ it gets worse _

_ oh great _

“This culminated in a play Count Olaf put on, titled “The Marvelous Marriage”, supposedly written by a man named Al Funcoot, which, you may note, is an anagram of Count Olaf.” 

As he speaks, the letters of Al Funcoot are rearranged into Count Olaf. 

“Count Olaf played the main character, who was set to marry, in a play so boring that most of the audience fell asleep. The third act began the actual wedding, at which point everyone discovered that the person playing the bride was none other than Violet Baudelaire.” 

_ wait what _

_ yeah _

“Audience members saw Klaus being escorted into the onstage crowd and closely supervised, and later noted that Violet appeared frightened and distressed and that her hand was shaking as she signed the marriage certificate. 

“As soon as she had signed, Count Olaf revealed that the certificate was genuine and the marriage had been ‘officiated’ by a real judge, given that the actress playing a judge was in fact Justice Strauss, a member of the High Court of the district, making the marriage legitimate. He then claimed that he now had access to the Baudelaire fortune. At this point, a member of his troupe brought Sunny onstage. 

“Arthur Poe had been in the audience and now claimed that Count Olaf could not have the money. The Count countered by turning to the judge, who, distressed, confirmed that the whole thing was legitimate.” 

_ oh no _

_ jesus christ _

_ this is horrible _

_ yeah sorry _

_ it gets worse? _

_ that doesn’t help, ryan _

“At this point, Violet spoke up, claiming that as she had signed with her left hand it didn’t count. Klaus agreed, pointing out that the bride was supposed to sign in her own hand and Violet was left-handed. The judge agreed that that invalidated the marriage and Arthur Poe stated that he was removing the siblings from Count Olaf’s care immediately. 

“An attempt was made to arrest Count Olaf, but he and members of his troupe escaped the theater and fled.” 

“Oh, great.” Shane sighed. “That’s not the last we’ll see of him is it.” 

“Nope, sorry.” Ryan replied. 

“The next guardian the Baudelaires were assigned to was a distant relative, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, whose sister had married a cousin of Betrand Baudelaire.” 

_ montgomery montgomery?  _

_ (wheeze)  _

_ that’s a- that’s a name?  _

_ i’m sure he was very sensitive about it _

“Dr. Montgomery was a herpetologist, a reptile scientist. He had a large room in his house that was full of reptiles. By all reports, the Baudelaires were very happy living there. 

“Unfortunately, only a few weeks after the Baudelaires went to live there, Dr. Montgomery was discovered in the Reptile Room, dead.” 

_ jesus! _

_ yeah _

_ don’t get attached to anyone _

_ did he get eaten by a snake _

_ sort of _

“Some background- Dr. Montgomery had planned to take the Baudelaires on a trip to Brazil to look for reptiles. His assistant, a man named Gustav Sebald, mysteriously disappeared shortly before the Baudelaires came to live with him, and so he had hired a new assistant, a man called Stephano. The Baudelaires allegedly immediately distrusted Stephano, and later, after Dr. Montgomery’s death, told the medical examiner, Dr. Lucafont, and Arthur Poe that Stephano was actually Count Olaf, in disguise.” 

“Wait, was it?” Shane asked. 

“Wait and see.” Ryan replied. 

“The siblings were dismissed and Dr. Montgomery’s death was initially blamed on a snake, the Mambu du Mal. However, after Violet Baudelaire broke into Stephano’s suitcase and Klaus Baudelaire proved that the Mambu du Mal did not kill the way it would have had to for it to have killed Dr. Montgomery, Stephano revealed that he was indeed actually Count Olaf and had murdered Dr. Montgomery before escaping. The Baudelaires were moved to yet another home, this time the home of Josephine Anwhistle, who was their distant cousin by marriage.” 

_ these poor kids _

_ i’d’ve snapped and gone on a murder spree _

_ hahaha _

_ about that _

_ oh no _

_ yeah _

“Josephine Anwhistle was the sister-in-law of famed ichnologist Gregor Anwhistle, who died when his research center, Anwhistle Aquatics, burned to the ground.” 

“Huh, lots of arson.” Shane remarked. “Maybe arson?” 

“Oh, it was definitely arson. There are a lot of arson cases in this.” 

“Gregor Anwhistle’s brother, Ike, was Josephine Anwhistle’s husband, and the Anwhistle brothers were first cousins of Beatrice Baudelaire. Josephine Anwhistle lived in a house at the top of a cliff, which hung over Lake Lachrymose. She was a very nervous person with a lot of phobias, apparently triggered by the death of her husband, Ike, in the lake years prior. The lake, it must be noted, is full of leeches which, unusually, feed on  _ people _ , specifically those that have eaten within a certain time frame.” 

_ what the fuck _

_ i know _

_ what is wrong with this place _

_ i don’t know _

“However, the Baudelaires spent a very short time, only days, with Josephine Anwhistle, as she briefly became interested in a supposed ship captain named Captain Sham.” 

“And no, I am not kidding about the name.” Ryan added. 

“... it’s fucking Count Olaf again, isn’t it.” 

“Yep.” 

“He’s not even trying!” 

“Shortly after meeting Captain Sham, Josephine Anwhistle supposedly threw herself out a window of her home and into the lake, leaving behind a note giving Captain Sham guardianship of the Baudelaire siblings. The siblings promptly ate peppermints, which they were allergic to, triggering an allergic reaction in each of them and causing Arthur Poe, who had arrived shortly after Josephine Anwhistle’s death, to let them return to her house, where they discovered that the note had been in code and set off to the docks, stealing a boat and setting off into the Lake, which, by the way, had just been hit by Hurricane Herman.” 

_ a lake had a hurricane?  _

_ yeah _

_ what the heck _

“The Baudelaires successfully found their guardian hiding in a cave, and the four set off for the docks, only to be attacked by the Lake Lachrymose Leeches, due to the fact that Josephine had eaten a banana recently. Count Olaf then arrived in another boat and rescued them, before  tossing Josephine Anwhistle overboard and letting her die _. _ ” 

Shane promptly threw his hands up. “This guy’s an asshole!” 

“You didn’t notice when he tried to marry his fourteen-year-old foster daughter?” 

“I noticed it then too, but  _ holy crap _ !” 

“Back on the docks, Sunny somehow managed to reveal Count Olaf, details are lacking, and they were shipped off to a new home… the Lucky Smells Lumbermill.” 

An image of the lumbermill appears on the screen. 

_ a... a lumbermill?  _

_ yeah as i researched this i increasingly questioned poe’s decision making process _

“At the lumbermill, the Baudelaires were forced to work with the employees. This badly run mill paid its employees in chewing gum and coupons, and that’s not the only labor law it broke! Somehow, Klaus Baudelaire ended up being hypnotized by the nearby optometrist, Dr. Georgina Orwell, and forced to cause multiple dangerous and costly accidents, including one which ended in a man’s leg being mangled.” 

_ this sounds like the plot of a fucking tv show _

_ yeah, it kinda does _

_ fucked up that it all happened in real life, huh _

_ wait where’s count olaf _

_ is he the optometrist _

_ you’ll see in a minute _

“The owner of the mill, who was the guardian of the Baudelaire siblings, decided that the Baudelaires were too much trouble and declared that he was transferring their custody to the optometrist’s receptionist, Shirley. Who just so happened to actually be Count Olaf.” 

_ oh  _

_ that’s where he went _

“Fortunately, the siblings managed to expose his identity, though not before the optometrist, Dr. Georgina Orwell, died, and they were shipped off to a boarding school, Prufrock Preparatory. 

“Prufrock Prep, as it is usually called, is an interesting school. The motto, for one, is  ‘memento mori’, Latin for ‘Remember you will die’, and the school itself resembles a graveyard. At the time, it was run by its Vice Principal, a man named Nero Feint, a failed violinist with little interest in running a school. It had three teachers, a librarian, and several cafeteria and janitorial staff. There were two main teachers at the time, Mr. Remora, full name unknown, who appeared to teach English but mostly just told stories and expected the students to memorize them, and Mrs. Bass, full name also unknown, who appeared to teach math but mostly made the students measure random objects with the metric system.” 

_ why are all these people’s names unknown? _

_ the sc _ _ hool has shitty records _

_ still, you’d think a first and last name would be required _

“The third teacher was a gym teacher. However, the previous teacher, Ms. Tench (again, full name unknown) had fallen out of a third-floor window and died shortly before the Baudelaires arrived there, and a new teacher, Coach Genghis, arrived shortly after the Baudelaires. Most people believe that Count Olaf murdered her.” 

_ jesus! is this guy in jail yet? _

_ patience _

“At this point I must note that there were two main features people were told to use to identify Count Olaf; his unibrow and a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. The tattoo in particular is going to be very important in the future, so remember that.” 

“Noted.” Shane tapped his temple.

“So Prufrock Prep is a very badly run school, and Vice Principal Nero forced the Baudelaires to live in a small tin shack called the Orphans Shack during their time there.” 

_ or-orphans shack? _

_ yeah _

_ it was literally called the orphans shack?  _

_ yep _

_ (wheeze) what the fuck _

“While Violet and Klaus attended actual classes, Sunny, due to the lack of a preschool or daycare facility, was forced to act as Vice Principal Nero’s secretary, typing up letters and such for him.” 

“Hold on.” Shane said. “A baby, acting as a secretary? A baby? A- a  _ baby _ ? What the fuck, Ryan?” 

Ryan held up his hands. “Hey, apparently she did pretty well at it.”

“But- a  _ baby _ ?” 

“The Baudelaires quickly befriended a pair of orphaned siblings that had lived in the Orphans’ Shack prior to the Baudelaires’ arrival. Duncan and Isadora were two-thirds of a triplet set that had lost their parents and brother, Quigley, in a fire that bore striking resemblance to the Baudelaire fire.” 

_ jesus! these kids lost their brother and their parents, that sucks _

_ yeah _

_ and don’t forget how similar the two fires are _

_ actual detectives and investigators believe that the fires were both started by count olaf _

_ seriously? _

_ what a jerk _

_ why? _

_ we’ll get to that _

“Unfortunately, just one day after the Buadelaires arrived at Prufrock Prep, Coach Genghis also did. The moment the Baudelaires met him, they accused him of being Count Olaf.” 

_ i am not surprised that this guy’s racist on top of everything else _

_ i mean he sounds racist _

_ don’t tell me he wore a turban or something _

_ he did _

_ fuck _

“Even more unfortunately, no one believed them, despite the fact that they had been right every single time they had claimed someone was secretly Count Olaf before. Vice Principal Nero allowed ‘Coach Genghis’ to force the three of them to do nightly runs for hours at a time until they were exhausted and unable to focus. They began failing class and secretarial work and Vice Principal Nero decided they would be given a test, and if they failed, they would be sent to live with ‘Coach Genghis’.” 

_ why is the vice principal of the boarding school that these kids are attending deciding where they live? _

_ (wheeze) _

_ i don’t know _

“According to Violet Baudelaire, Count Olaf scheduled another exercise run for them during the time the test was to take place, and so the Quagmires volunteered to pretend to be the Baudelaires to do the exercises for them so they could study and then take the test.” 

_ good friends _

_ yeah _

_ unfortunately for the quagmires _

_ what do you mean unfortunately _

_... _

_ ryan  _

_ ryan answer me _

“Unfortunately, Count Olaf caught on and, while the Baudelaires passed the tests with flying colors, Olaf’s theater troupe kidnapped the Quagmires. The Baudelaires gave chase but were not able to catch up to the car and had to watch their friends be taken away.” 

“Are you kidding me!” Shane exploded. “I hate this guy!” 

“You are not alone in that.” Ryan replied. 

“After the incident with the Quagmires, the Baudelaires were taken to a new guardian- recently married couple Jerome and Esme Squalor. He was somewhat wealthy and in possession of a penthouse at 667 Dark Avenue in The City, and she was the city’s sixth most important financial advisor.” 

_ (wheeze) that’s real specific there _

_ not the seventh most important _

_ the SIXTH _

_ also _

_ isn’t squalor a word for like _

_ shitty conditions?  _

_ like poor people who live in squalor _

_ yeah _

_ i think so _

_ (wheeze) _

“The Baudelaires were there for about a week.

“Esme Squalor was in the midst of organizing an auction called the In Auction, which sold only fashionable items. She hired an auctioneer called Gunther. He had no last name listed and apparently spoke with the most stereotypical ‘foreign’ accent ever.” 

“COUNT OLAF AGAIN.” Shane yelped. 

“The Baudelaires discovered that there was no elevator in one of the elevator shafts and used rope to climb down to the bottom, where they found Duncan and Isadora Quagmire in a cage.” 

_ wait _

_ a cage?  _

_ yeah _

“They allegedly returned to the penthouse to get supplies to try to free the Quagmires, but all attempts to free them failed. They eventually returned to the penthouse, discovered that Esme Squalor was not going to help them find their friends, and were forced to stay there during the auction.” 

_ wait _

_ is she working for count olaf _

_ they’re dating by this point, i think _

_ she’s cheating on her husband with a filthy criminal on the run for murder?  _

_ (wheeze) _

“The Baudelaires somehow escaped the penthouse and made it to the In Auction, apparently covered in dust and ash.”

_ ash?  _

_ like from a fire? _

_ yeah, there’s a lot of really weird, really fucked up stuff going on here _

“They claimed that the Quagmires were being snuck out of the city via the In Auction, and more specifically Lot 50, a box of very fancy doilies. They were incorrect, and Count Olaf fled the city with Esme Squalor and a large statue of a red herring which actually contained the Quagmires.” 

“This is like a fucking spy movie.” Shane said. 

“Yeah. I forgot to mention, around this time, a book called  _ The Bad Beginning _ , by a man named Lemony Snicket, was published, followed by a sequel called  _ The Reptile Room _ . Both books claimed to be the true story of the Baudelaire’s experiences with their first two guardians.” 

“Wait, seriously? Someone wrote a book?”

“Two books. They seem at least a little bit legit, all the details line up with what I could find. There’s now five books, I believe, with the latest apparently recounting the boarding school stuff.” 

“Who’s this Lemony Snicket guy? Who names their kid Lemony?” 

“That’s the weird thing. He’s a fugitive who’s been blamed for multiple fires and who was orphaned the same way the Baudelaires and Quagmires were. He had two siblings, Jacques and Kit, both of whom are dead or missing persons by now. His obituary was published at one point, but I honestly think he may have written it himself, because the writing is a lot like how he writes the books.” 

“This whole thing just keeps getting weirder and weirder.” 

“Yeah. Oh, and he has the same tattoo of an eye on his left ankle as Count Olaf.” 

“Wait,  _ what _ ?”

“I know. He also has an autobiography which I couldn’t get a hold of, but it apparently contains a lot of photographs and letters and other things.”

“Jerome Squalor declined to keep the Baudelaires after this, and they were sent to a village elsewhere in the Land of Districts, to be cared for by the entire village. The village they went to is called the Village of Fowl Devotees, which is home to a lot of crows, which are essentially sacred to the villagers.” 

_ they worship birds? _

_ not exactly _

“I looked up the rules for this village, and many of them are ridiculously strict and disturbing. The whole village seems like a cult. One rule involves never harming a crow, which, okay, but other rules ban recreational reading, mechanical inventing, using your mouth for recreational purposes-” 

_ (wheeze) (snort) r-recreational purposes  _

_ yeah, i know _

“The Baudelaries were sent to live with the handyman, Hector, who allegedly had a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle, like Count Olaf and Lemony Snicket. Unfortunately, around this time, a police officer appeared on the scene, Officier Luciana. She claimed to have captured Count Olaf- however, the Baudelaires insisted that he was not Count Olaf, and he himself claimed to be a man named Jacques Snicket.” 

_ what the fuck? _

_ and he had a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle _

_ you see where the secret organization thing comes in, don’t you?  _

_ sort of? _

_ but if count olaf is letting this guy take the fall- _

_ we’ll get to that in the theories _

“The town ignored all protests and had him locked up in the town jail, deciding that he would be  burned at the stake the next day.” 

_ i’m pretty sure that’s illegal _

_ it is _

“Tragically, the next morning, the man that was later  confirmed to be Jacques Snicket was found dead in his cell.” 

“Oh, come on!” 

“A detective was brought in, Detective Dupin, who immediately claimed that the Baudelaires had done it. He had ‘evidence’; a hair ribbon, since Violet always had one, a lens from glasses, since Klaus wore glasses, and bite marks on the body, since Sunny was a known biter.” 

_ oh jeez _

_ this is gonna be bad _

_ oh yeah _

“The village immediately turned on the Baudelaires, and they were arrested and placed in jail to be burned at the stake the next day.”

“WHAT THE FUCK.” Shane yelled. 

“Yeah.” 

“THEY’RE FUCKING KIDS.” 

“Yeah.” 

“NO WONDER THEY STARTED ON A LIFE OF CRIME.” 

“This was also Klaus’ thirteenth birthday that they spent in a jail cell.” 

“That fucking sucks, seriously, I would go burn a bunch of buildings down and murder people if it were me, geez.” 

“However, the Baudelaires, apparently way more resourceful than most kids, broke out of the cell using water, rope, and a large bench. They smashed through the wall and escaped into the village, whereupon they immediately headed for the Fowl Fountain in the center of town.” 

_ why? _

_ i’m getting to that part, jeez _

“It’s unknown how the Baudelaires knew to go there, but they somehow managed to open the fountain through some strange mechanism, freeing the Quagmires from where they had been kept.” 

_ oh good _

_ why were they in a fountain? _

_ beats me _

“The five of them immediately headed for the edge of town, pursued by a number of villagers, to where Hector the handyman revealed that he had built a large hot-air mobile home.” 

_ a what _

_ a hot air mobile home _

_ self-sustaining _

_ hasn’t been seen since _

_ what the fuck _

“Unfortunately, only the Quagmires made it into the hot-air mobile home. The Baudelaires managed to flee the village after Officer Luciana shot a crow with a harpoon gun. Oh yeah, it’s fairly certain that she was actually Esme Squalor in disguise. So you’re aware.

“There was considerable chaos after the crow died, and the Baudelaires slipped out of the crowd and escaped into the surrounding hinterlands. By the next morning, they were labelled murderers and on the front page of the main newspaper of the area, the Daily Punctilio.” 

_ which, by the way, is the worst newspaper i have ever read _

_ and i’ve read a lot of them _

_ jeez _

_ the daily punctilio also got their names wrong _

_ veronica, klyde, and susie _

_ the fuck _

“The Baudelaires were spotted at Last Chance General Store early the next morning, several long miles from the Village of Fowl Devotees. They asked the shopkeeper if they could send a telegram, which he allowed, not having seen the newspaper yet. The contents and intended recipient of the telegram are unknown, and it must be noted that all of the telegraph poles in the area had been cut down recently for unknown reasons.

_ telegrams?!?! _

_ why are they sending telegrams?  _

_ who cut down the poles? _

_ what the fuck is going on in this place? _

_ why?  _

_ you know what? _

_ i do not know, shane _

“Shortly afterward, the newspaper arrived with the deliveryman, and both the deliveryman and the shopkeeper began searching for the Baudelaires. The shop was large and had very tall shelves, and the Baudelaires evaded them before exiting the back of the shop and getting into a van loading up on gas.

“The van was owned by the Volunteers Fighting Disease, a group of people who dedicated their time to trying to cheer up patients at nearby Heimlich Hospital-”

_ (wheeze) _

_ hold up _

_ the hospital is named heimlich hospital? _

_ like, the heimlich maneuver?  _

_ i knew you’d get a kick out of this _

_ laugh it up _

_ the name’s the only funny part _

_ unless you find gross medical abuse and negligence funny _

_ this place is literally terrible _

“The Volunteers Fighting Disease apparently never read the news, so the Baudelaires safely made it into the hospital, pretending to be new volunteers. A few notes about Heimlich Hospital: The hospital had only been half-built when it ran out of construction funding, so it remained half-built with the unfinished portion covered in tarps. The hospital had a meticulous focus on record-keeping and paperwork, to the point where life-saving treatment was often delayed until the right paperwork had been filled out in triplicate, signed, stamped, and filed, resulting in the hospital having a terrible record of patient survival and no positive press. Many of the staff never graduated medical school and few never even went to begin with.” 

_ how was this allowed? _

_ i don’t know _

_ i told you _

_ this place was awful _

“The same day as the Baudelaire’s arrival at the hospital, The Head of Human Resources at the hospital, a woman named Babs, last name unknown though her full first name is presumably Barbara-”

_ how do you not know that? _

_ all surviving records indicate that she signed paperwork with ‘babs’ _

_ surviving records _

_ you’ll see _

“The Head of Human Resources called for a few volunteers to help out in the Library of Records, which the hospital was famous for due to the aforementioned focus on record-keeping and paperwork. For unknown reasons, the Baudelaires promptly went to volunteer for the role. As Babs apparently preferred to be heard rather than seen, and used a PA system to communicate with the hospital staff, they were cleared for the role and sent to Hal, the librarian. Hal was mostly blind and therefore did not recognize them, and they began to help him file paperwork. 

“Some people believe the Baudelaires intended to find records that had been sent there, as the Library of Records had files from all over the place, most with nothing to do with medicine. Interestingly, there was supposedly a file called the Snicket file at the Library of Records. You may recall earlier mentions of Lemony and Jacques Snicket. This file was supposedly named after their family and may have included information the Baudelaires wanted to access. However, the Snicket file had been removed earlier and it is unknown who left with it and why.” 

_ huh _

_ a file named after the family of this guy who wrote books on the baudelaire siblings _

_ and the guy who they were accused of murdering _

_ weird _

_ yes, very weird _

_ this will come up in one of the theories as a main point _

_ hmm _

“It is believed that the Baudelaires spent the night in the unfinished wing of the hospital before returning the next day. However, Count Olaf, still alive, had caught up to them. Head of Human Resources, Babs, died at her apartment building, having been pushed from a window, the night before, and that day a new Head of Human Resources, a ‘Dr. Mattatthias Mediklskool, immediately took control of the hospital.” 

_ mattatthias mediklskool?  _

_ that’s not even…  _

_ what the fuck?  _

_ count olaf again?  _

_ yep _

“Mattatthias Mediklskool and several accomplices in disguise promptly took control of the hospital, ordering that everyone bring their valuables to the office to be taken proper care of and stating that inspections would be done on every part of the hospital. At some point during this day, the Baudelaires, possibly frightened of being caught either by Count Olaf or by the authorities, stole Hal’s key ring. That night, they snuck back into the Library of Records looking for something. At this point, all details get somewhat fuzzy. Here are the facts: 

“The Library of Records was destroyed that night and set on fire. The Baudelaires were accused of this crime, but claimed they had not done it. 

“Several fake doctors announced they would be conducting a craniectomy on a teenage girl named Laura V. Bleediotie. A craniectomy, for those unaware, is basically the removal of the head. The teenage girl later was revealed to be Violet Baudelaire, heavily drugged.” 

_ oh jesus _

_ i don’t like this ryan _

_ how did she get separated from her siblings?  _

_ no one knows for sure _

_ there are theories _

_ some people believe her siblings were small enough to escape down a small tunnel used for distributing records and such, but she couldn’t fit down there and was captured after the library was destroyed _

“Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire had managed to disguise themselves as a potbellied doctor who Count Olaf and his accomplices believed to be one of them. They managed to wake Violet and subsequently escape the operating theater with them. They were not captured.

“The fire at the Library of Records spread rapidly, and much of the hospital burned down. Some people remained trapped and did not survive. The Baudelaires managed to escape the hospital somehow and made their way to Caligari Carnival, some distance away.” 

_ these kids are survivors, huh _

_ they set the hospital on fire?  _

_ they were accused of setting it on fire _

_ given that known arsonist count olaf was there in disguise, though… _

_ oh _

“Around this time, the journalist who had been sensationalizing the Baudelaire story, a woman named Geraldine Julienne, locked the editor of the Daily Punctilio, a woman named Eleanora Poe, in the basement of the newspaper building. Eleanora Poe is the sister of Arthur Poe.” 

_ why the heck would the reporter do that?  _

_ at the suggestion of esme squalor, apparently _

“Caligari Carnival was a small and struggling carnival deep in the hinterlands, a lonely and very empty area of the Land of Districts. The carnival was owned and run by Madame Lulu, a fortune-teller. Interestingly, it’s fairly clear that Lulu was not her real name. The carnival had been run by a Madame Lulu from its foundation in the early 1900s, and the woman who ran the carnival at the time of this story was young, estimated to be in her early thirties. 

“The carnival housed a few attractions, a gift caravan, and a house of freaks. The Baudelaires disguised themselves as conjoined twins and a wolf-baby and successfully infiltrated the carnival. At the same time, several surviving employees claim that Count Olaf and his troupe arrived and spoke with Madame Lulu, who allowed them to stay. It is unknown what exactly Count Olaf did there, aside from bringing in a group of starved lions to try to attract more visitors. Not much is known about the Baudelaires' brief time there until the day the carnival was set to pick an employee from the house of freaks to throw to the lions.” 

_ what _

_ wait _

_ seriously?  _

_ that’s murder! _

_ yes, it is _

_ some people theorize that he may have known the baudelaires were there _

_ but also _

_ he’s already committed multiple murders, shane _

_ yeah, but why would people want to watch that?  _

_ why was this allowed to happen?  _

“The audience members that day are unreliable, but the general consensus is this: Beverly and Elliot, the conjoined twins, or rather Violet and Klaus disguised as conjoined twins, were the ones selected to be thrown to the lions. They attempted to get Count Olaf to join them on the plank over the lions in what may have been a desperate attempt to kill him, but he declined, instead suggesting that Madame Lulu do it. 

“She did indeed join them on the plank, and did indeed shove them- onto solid ground, before telling them to run and turning on Count Olaf. She may have made an attempt to attack him, but one of his accomplices, name unknown, attacked her, and they both fell into the pit and were eaten by the lions.” 

“Aw, geez.” Shane complained. “So she helped them and then immediately died?” 

Ryan flipped over a paper. “One audience member claimed that she told them to run and then added ‘I’ll follow you.’ Some theorists believe she may have been planning on helping them escape and going with them.” 

“Aw,  _ geez _ , every adult that tries to take care of them dies, don’t they?” 

“Does seem that way.” 

“Almost nothing is known about where the Baudelaires went immediately afterward. What is known is that minutes after they fled the tent, Caligari Carnival began to burn. Count Olaf escaped with several members of the house of freaks and the Baudelaires may have been with the troupe, still in disguise. We do know that Count Olaf headed into the nearby Mortmain Mountains for unknown reasons, kidnapped a group of Snow Scouts using a net and several large and well-trained eagles, and disappeared for a time.” 

_ wait _

_ he kidnapped a bunch of kids using a bunch of eagles?  _

_ what the fuck?  _

_ yeah _

_ it’s a strange story _

“The Snow Scouts were later rescued and claimed that he forced them to work in his submarine, rowing so that it moved through the water. None of the Scouts were aware of why he needed a submarine, but he apparently was looking for something. Not the Baudelaires, interestingly, but an object. 

“He also, at the urging of Esme Squalor, sort of adopted one of the Snow Scouts, a spoiled girl named Carmelita Spats who had been a student at Prufrock Prep during the Baudelaires’ time there and who later wrote an autobiography.” 

_ an autobiography? must have been interesting _

_ actually it was one of the most boring things i have ever read in my life _

_ she did not discuss count olaf or the baudelaires except to mention that the baudelaires were ‘annoying’ _

_ kind of like her book _

_ oof _

“The Baudelaires are believed to have potentially been on a different submarine, called the Queequeg and owned by one Captain Widdershins, which was captured by Count Olaf. The Baudelaires were briefly seen by several of the Snow Scouts, along with an unknown girl who joined Count Olaf’s troupe and may have been the sister of another member of his troupe.

“After this, the Baudelaires were once spotted and spoken to by Arthur Poe on Briney Beach in the jumpsuits they had been wearing when seen by the Snow Scouts, and then left with a woman in a taxi, later identified as Kit Snicket, sister of Lemony and Jacques.” 

_ whoa!  _

_ i should have realized she’d be showing up sooner or later _

_ she has a taxi?  _

_ yep _

_ she’s an interesting lady _

“The Baudelaires apparently then were taken to the Hotel Denouement, which was a feat of architecture. Nine stories tall, the hotel was built so that it leaned toward the ground, or more specifically the pond in front of it, and all the signage was backward so that at first glance you may think the reflection was the hotel. Owned by the Denouement family, the entire hotel was organized according to the Dewey Decimal System-” 

“How?” Shane demanded. “How do you organize an entire hotel according to the Dewey Decimal System?” 

“I’m getting to that.” 

“The hotel was organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Each floor held guests or services based on the categories of the Dewey Decimal System. Surviving records note that every room and some places like benches and fountains were numbered according to the Dewey Decimal System, including a church, synagogue, mosque, shrine, temple, and other religious places of worship on the second floor. 

“The Hotel managers were brothers Frank and Ernest Denouement, while their triplet, Dewey, worked behind the scenes and was rarely seen. Strangely, the Baudelaires upon arriving were somehow given concierge uniforms and slipped into the staff of the hotel.” 

_ so someone sympathetic to them tried to hide them?  _

_ seems like it _

“On Wednesday, April 25th, at exactly two o’clock in the morning, Dewey Denouement was murdered in front of the hotel. The exact circumstances are difficult to pin down. It is generally understood that Count Olaf, who had arrived at the hotel some time prior, threatened Dewey Denouement in front of the pond with a harpoon gun.” 

_ a- a harpoon gun? _

_ not a gun-gun _

_ a harpoon gun _

_ (wheeze) _

_ where do you even get a harpoon gun? ebay? the dark web? _

_ i have no idea _

_ hang on _

_ how do they know for sure it was exactly two o’clock _

_ the hotel denouement was famous for its clock _

_ which struck the hour very loudly _

_ so _

“The Baudelaires’ somehow got involved in the tussle and got a hold of the harpoon gun. Unfortunately, they dropped it, and it went off.” 

_ ah shit _

_ yeah _

“The harpoon lodged in Dewey Denouement’s chest and he fell into the pond, never to be seen again.” 

“Wait, never?” Shane asked. “Why didn’t they fish him out of the pond?” 

“That’s one of the many weird things about this hotel.” Ryan replied. “The pond was incredibly deep. His brothers never requested that the pond be dredged, so the body presumably is still in the pond.” 

“Well, I guess that’s one way to ensure you get a natural burial.” 

“ _ Shane _ .” 

“Arthur Poe exited the hotel at this point, having heard a commotion, and the Baudelaires and Count Olaf were all promptly taken into custody. A trial was arranged and the Baadelaires were placed in a closet, while Count Olaf was placed in a different closet.” 

_ wait, they were gonna give them a trial _

_ yeah _

_ so _

_ they stuck them in closets?  _

_ like, oh, we don’t have anywhere to stick the possible murderers until we put them on trial! let’s stick them in a closet _

_ why not just turn them over to the police until the trial date _

_ about that _

_ oh boy _

“The trial was set for that afternoon, inside the hotel, with a panel of three judges from the local High Court. The panel consisted of Justice Strauss, who had been Count Olaf’s neighbor while the Baudelaires lived there, and two judges whose names were for some reason redacted. 

“Nearly every guest in the hotel attended the trial. There are few details of what happened there. Here are the facts: 

“The judges chose to interpret the saying ‘justice is blind’ literally, and forced everyone to wear a blindfold or be held in contempt of court.” 

_ what _

_ yeah _

_ that’s not how it works _

_ you’re an expert on the justice system of a small county in oregon? _

_ well, no _

_ thought so _

“Count Olaf and the Baudelaires were each instructed to plead. Count Olaf gave a long speech claiming his innocence. Klaus Baudelaire claimed that he and his siblings were, quote, ‘comparatively innocent’, end quote.” 

_ what the fuck does that mean _

_ i have no idea _

“The judges also extended a call for evidence, and the evidence submitted included: 

  * Newspaper articles regarding the Baudelaire case
  * Employment records for Lucky Smells Lumbermill
  * Administrative records for Prufrock Prep
  * Surviving paperwork from the Library of Records
  * Financial records regarding the Baudelaire fortune
  * Two commonplace books



and

  * A Complete History of Injustice or, Odious Lusting after Finance, by Jerome Squalor.



“Along with a lot of other items which have been lost to the subsequent disaster and are no longer remembered by the survivors.” 

_ oh jeez don’t tell me it’s another fire _

_ okay, i won’t _

_ oh great _

“After the evidence was submitted, Count Olaf told his side of the story, very briefly and inaccurately. The Baudelaires spoke next, briefly relating their story, before pausing, and removing their blindfolds. There is little known as to what precisely happened next. The Baudelaires apparently left the room, and the hotel erupted into chaos. Justice Strauss claims that she was gagged and taken to the basement laundry room by Count Olaf, where she was instructed to open a complicated lock. She refused. 

“Klaus Baudelaire, strangely, offered to open it. He succeeded. Justice Strauss claims that then, after Count Olaf failed to find something he was searching for, he doused sheets with gasoline and set the laundry room on fire. She, the Baudelaires, and Count Olaf fled the room, and the fire spread rapidly. The five of them traveled to the roof via elevator, with Sunny Baudelaire pressing every single button. Justice Strauss stated that the Baudelaires then proceeded to warn everyone they came across of the fire. 

“On the roof, the Baudelaires and Count Olaf took a boat that had been kept in the rooftop pool for an unknown reason and fled the hotel by getting the boat off the roof and letting it plummet into the ocean. Violet Baudelaire evidently rigged a parachute out of sheets she had taken from the laundry room, and it is believed that they survived. 

“Justice Strauss escaped the hotel fire and is one of the few who survived. The Baudelaires’ current whereabouts, and those of Count Olaf, are unknown.”

“Well.” Shane smacked his hands down on the table. “This was a lot. What have you got in the way of theories?” 

“There are a lot of theories.” Ryan said. “And today, for once, I can guarantee that aliens are not one of them.” 

“Well thank god for that!” 

“Let’s get into the theories. Theory number one: The Baudelaires, after being abused, tormented, stalked, and relentlessly pursued for a year and losing many guardians, family, and friends, simply snapped. This theory seems to hold weight at first glance, but does not explain a number of factors, including the fact that Count Olaf remained alive after the Baudelaires likely had many opportunities to kill him and that multiple people vouched that the siblings were not criminals.” 

“Okay, the theory does make sense. But i can see why people don’t like it.” Shane said. 

“Theory number two: the Baudelaire siblings were the victims of a manipulative and obsessive man. This theory claims that Count Olaf was behind every single misfortune the Baudelaires experienced, beginning with the deaths of their parents, and including the fact that they are believed to be murderers.” 

_ well this one seems right!  _

_ i think it makes sense, but i like the next one better _

_ it better not be demons _

“Theory number three: the Baudelaires became caught up in the machinations of a bizarre secret organization known only as VFD. This theory has quite a lot to support it, beginning with the strange tattoos mentioned earlier. As stated before, both Jacques Snicket and Count Olaf had the same tattoo in the same place. However, they were not the only ones. Some people have claimed that Kit and Lemony Snicket also had the eye tattoo, others believe that Betrand and Beatrice Baudelaire had it as well, and still others claim that several of the Baudelaires’ guardians may have had the tattoo.” 

_ okay, that’s weird _

_ it gets weirder _

“However, the eye does not just appear as a tattoo. A former friend of Violet Baudelaire claims that the Baudelaire mansion was full of eyes just like the tattoo, on a doorknob and on several books in the library. A neighbor of Count Olaf’s has stated that his house also had many eyes which were identical in design to the tattoo. The Quagmire home also allegedly had a number of eyes in the decor. One person demonstrated that the initials VFD could be found in the eye, as shown here:” 

An image of the eye appears on the screen, before the V is highlighted in red, then the F, then the D. 

_ okay _

_ so _

_ what does vfd stand for _

_ there is speculation, but nothing solid _

“Another piece of evidence is in a number of very boring, odd, and rambling movies created by Dr. Montgomery’s former assistant, Gustav Sebald. The movies had titles such as  _ Zombies in the Snow, Ghosts in the Desert, Lions in the Mountains,  _ and others. All of the films contained bells ringing at various points and awkward, stilted dialogue. Very few people actually liked the films, which are generally panned by critics and disliked by audiences, yet the films continue to be made now, by his sister Sally Sebald. He was supposedly a very particular director, not allowing actors to change even one word of the script. One critic, Lena Pukalie, in her book  _ I Lost Something at the Movies _ , suggested that the film  _ Zombies in the Snow  _ contained  coded dialogue . The name of the publishing house that published her book?  Voracious Film Discussions Press . Lemony Snicket, on the other hand, called it a wonderful film. The movies are produced by the studio  Vitiated Film Distribution .”

_ that is a lot of weird, ryan _

_ i watched zombies in the snow for this _

_ it really is the weirdest movie _

_ what does vitiated mean _

_ vitiate means to spoil or impair the efficiency of something _

“Another important thing to note is that after the Baudelaires were escorted into the Hotel Denouement and through a crowd of people, those people began to shout their opinions on whether the siblings were murderers or not. While some people believed that and others believed they were innocent, one person allegedly claimed that they were, quote, ‘noble volunteers’, end quote. This is interesting because one possibility for what VFD stands for is  Volunteer Fire Department . 

“In addition, around the time of the Baudelaires’ arrival, a lot of strange people were arriving at the hotel. One guest who was there at the time claimed that it was like, quote, ‘some bizarre convention’, end quote. Many of the people there seemed to know each other. Some seemed to dislike each other. Another guest noted the, quote, ‘tense atmosphere’, end quote, like, quote, ‘the whole place was going to go up in flames’, end quote.” 

_ yeah the more you talk the more i buy the possibility _

_ couldn’t it also be a cult _

_ maybe _

“Other strange occurrences include the sudden hiring of a woman known only as Mrs. K, to replace Mr. Remora at Prufrock Prep. She did not seem to have any full name and had her students read a lot of books, and was fired for doing so. As she left the school, she allegedly grabbed two students, quote, ‘by their ankles’, end quote, and dragged them out of the school. Both students were orphans.” 

_ d-dragged them out of the school?  _

_ what the heck, ryan _

_ it gets weirder _

“Later, Mrs. K was identified as being  Kit Snicket , but could not be questioned as to the whereabouts of the two children, as she disappeared the same day she took the Baudelaires to Hotel Denouement and has not been seen since. Worryingly, she was pregnant at the time.” 

_ oh jeez _

_ ryan _

_ i don’t like this _

_ well me neither _

“People have speculated that VFD is indeed the name of a secret organization with an unknown goal, one which recruits children. The three Snicket siblings were reported as missing persons as young children and did not reappear until late teens and early twenties, with no comment on where they had been and what had happened to them. This is interestingly noted to have also happened with Betrand and Beatrice Baudelaire and with several others who had been guardians of the Baudelaire siblings.” 

_ kidnapping? jesus _

_ there’s more _

“As to why multiple people with the same tattoo who may be part of the same organization are fighting, some speculate that VFD may have split over some difference of ideology and yet continue to use the same codes and hiding places. However, we may never know whether there really is a secret organization called VFD. And the mystery of the Baudelaire siblings, what happened to them and what they may have done, whether they are murderers or innocent victims, will remain, UNSOLVED.” 

Shane set his mug down loudly. “Well, this was a long and depressing case.” 

Ryan closed his folder. “Very long. I was up so late researching this.” 

“Do you think there’s really a secret organization kidnapping kids and like, dragging them around by their ankles?” 

“Maybe?”


	2. Baudelaire Siblings Q&A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for the postmortem!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the questions! I didn’t even have to make any up, which is very nice.

“Hello and welcome back to another episode of the postmortem, where we answer your most pressing questions on the last episode, which was the Baudelaire Siblings.” Ryan said, as Shane stared off into the distance, looking like he’d seen a ghost. 

“The questions come from our Facebook page, our Instagram, and directly on the video on BUN! We got a lot of questions, so let’s get started!” 

“Question one comes from Instagram, from Selene Starflower.” Ryan cleared his throat. “‘For the postmortem: Did you know that the Baudelaire parents, all three Snickets, Count Olaf, Dr. Montgomery, Josephine Antwhistle, the Sebalds, Hector, and the Denouement brothers among others, went to Prufrock Prep? They all knew each other, and allegedly the curriculum was much different then. Also, I heard that Olaf blamed Beatrice Baudelaire and Lemony Snicket for his parents' deaths. (Side note, B.B. and L.S. were engaged once)’.” 

Shane raised his eyebrows. “Wow. That’s a lot.” 

“Well. I didn’t actually know they went to school together, but I did find out after the episode when I was looking through some of the stuff I’d found that Beatrice Baudelaire and Lemony Snicket were engaged at one point.” Ryan said. 

“Why did Count Olaf blame those two for his parents’ deaths?” Shane asked. Ryan shrugged. 

“Hey, uh, Selene Starflower, if you’d perhaps be willing to share your sources, that’d be nice. You seem well informed.” 

“Question two!” Shane said. “From the video. ‘ItziwitziB: Isn't a little suspicious that until now all the books that this Lemony guy has written about this children are all dedicated to some dead woman (possibly an ex lover?) with the same name as the mother of the Baudelaire?’ Well, as we just learned, he was engaged to her. Interesting that he dedicated his books to her.” 

Ryan lifted his phone. “I did actually find, uh, some of the books, and the dedications are… interesting. Here- some, uh, examples. 

_To Beatrice-_

_Darling, dearest, dead._  
  
---  
  
_ To Beatrice- _

_ My love for you shall live forever. _

_ You, however, did not. _ ”

“Those are from the first two books he wrote.” Ryan added. 

“Jeez.” Shane said. “Is this guy depressed, or what?” 

“Well, anyway, Question three. From Facebook, Helena A. ‘ I live in that region and there's this folk song from the region called "The Little Snicket Lad" where the chorus is:’” Ryan broke off. “I can’t tell if this has any tune at all, so I’ll just read it. ‘And then they took him, yea they took him, They took him far away, They took him in the dead of night Beneath a moon of gray. They took him from the kitchen Like you'd take a midnight snack,-’”

Shane wheezed. “What?” 

“Shh. ‘The V.F.D. they took him, And they never brought him back’. Huh. ‘And also, the coda, which mentions the whole ankle thing: ‘When we grab you by the ankles, Where our mark is to be made, You'll soon be doing noble work, Although you won't be paid. When we drive away in secret, You'll be a volunteer, So don't scream when we take you: The world is quiet here.’ I don’t like this song very much.” 

“It’s a little alarming.” Shane agreed. “And weirdly seems to confirm Theory Three.” 

“There’s more to the question, um. ‘Anyway my parents used to sing it. It’s about Lemony Snicket. Thanks for the video, neat theories. It’s number three, as far as I know.’ 

Shane looked at the camera. “Who are you, Helena A.? How do you know this stuff?” 

“Yeah, please share.” 

“Anyway, question four is from the video, ‘ Sorrowfulthread: What do you think about the theory that the Duchess of Winnipeg is a part of VFD? Apparently, she and Lemony Snicket were close correspondents. They exchanged lots of letters and the Duchess even gave Snicket a ring to propose to Beatrice Baudelaire with.’ Interesting.” 

Ryan nodded. “That is very interesting. I hadn’t heard about that, and I don’t know much about any duchesses, so I can’t confirm, but that is very interesting.” 

“Great questions, everybody.” Shane said, nodding. “We’ll be up all night trying to figure them out.” 

“ _ What are your sources _ ?” Ryan stage whispered. “ _ Tell me your sources _ .”

“What’ve we got next week, Ryan?” 

“A very weird case. Very weird.” 

“Weirder than this one?”

“Well, this one includes a theory that relies solely on the concept of resurrecting someone who was dead for forty years.” 

“… _ what.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read and commented! <3 (even if I didn’t use your question!) I used actual usernames in half the cases, edited selenestarflower because I can do that, Sophie, and made one of her questions for someone else.   
> Before anyone asks who Helena A. is, she’s a distant cousin of the Baudelaires and her last name is Anwhistle.   
> On Friday I’ll post The Strange Disappearance of Cassidy Chacon and Nerissa Crossnic, a W.I.T.C.H. case!

**Author's Note:**

> Please do ask questions in the comments. I will do a Q&A second chapter and I’d love to include questions from you guys.   
> Give me kudos please, the formatting was a nightmare AO3 wiped out the formatting in the google doc and i had to fix it  
> Also please don’t @ me over inaccuracies in either the ASOUE stuff or the Buzzfeed Unsolved stuff, I tried, I watched so many episodes for this and this took ages to write, i started on october 4th and it got so out of control


End file.
